Old Farmer’s Almanac 2008

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Dear $$firstname$$,

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• In this issue:
• No Gourmet Chefs Here
• It Was No Accident
• Down for the Count
• All in a Day’s Work
• It's in the Details
• Picture This
• No Need to Panic
• Load off His Mind
• Country Fine
• Simple Solution
• Chilling Experience
• Hope You're Hungry

No Gourmet Chefs Here

TWO BACHELOR farmers were talking, and their conversation eventually drifted to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first farmer. "But I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second farmer.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish...'"

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It Was No Accident

AN INSURANCE agent was talking to a farmer, trying to sell him a life insurance policy.

"Have you ever met with an accident?" asked the insurance agent.

"No," replied the farmer, "but a mule kicked me in the ribs once, and a rattlesnake bit me on the leg."

"Good grief!" exclaimed the agent. "Don't you consider those accidents?"

"Naw," said the farmer. "They done it on purpose."

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Down for the Count

THREE MEN were in the maternity ward waiting room when a doctor came in and told one of them, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I play for the Minnesota Twins."

A second doctor then came in and told another man, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I work for 3M."

At that point, the third man fainted. When a doctor brought him to, he asked the man if he was all right.

"No, I'm not," the man said. "I work for 7 Up."

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All in a Day’s Work

A FARMER and his hired man were eating breakfast. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer thought that stopping to eat later would be a waste of time. So he told the hired man he should go ahead and eat his lunch, too.

The hired man refilled his plate and ate a second time. Pretty soon, the farmer said, “We’ve got so much to do, you may as well eat your supper now, too.”

The hired man did as he was told, filled his plate a third time and polished it off. Then he pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

“What are you doing?” asked the farmer.

The hired man turned to him and said, “You know I don’t work after dinner.”

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It's in the Details

OVERHEARD AT a beauty salon:

"I don't have any wrinkles. I just happen to have more details than most."

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Picture This

Click here
to see which animal makes the best listener.

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No Need to Panic

A PLANE loaded with passengers was flying across the country when one of the engines caught on fire.

As the plane started losing altitude, the passengers began screaming.

Just then, the pilot came out of the cockpit wearing a parachute.

"Be calm, folks," the pilot said as he opened the airplane door. "I'm going for help."

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Load off His Mind

YOUNG WILLIE was trying hard to right a tipped wagon filled with corn.

“Forget your troubles for a spell and have dinner with us,” said the neighboring farmer.

“That’s mighty nice of you, but Pa wouldn’t like it,” said Willie.

“We can worry about that wagon after we get something to eat,” said the farmer.

Willie agreed to eat and enjoyed a nice supper. As they headed back out to the wagon, the farmer said, “Now, isn’t that better?”

“Yes, but I know my Pa will be upset,” he replied.

“Nonsense,” said the farmer. “Where is your Pa, anyway?”

“Under the wagon,” said Willie.

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Country Fine

IN ONE COUNTY, there’s a fine for using round hay bales to feed cattle. It seems they want to make sure they’re getting a square meal.

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Simple Solution

A MAN RAN into a cafe and frantically told the waitress he needed a cure for the hiccups.

Not saying a word, the waitress poured a glass of water, turned and tossed it into the man's face.

The startled man sputtered and said, "It's not for me. It's for my friend out in the car."

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Chilling Experience

TWO ESKIMOS were out in their kayak when they began to feel cold.

To warm themselves, they lit a fire in the kayak. Of course, it sank. Which only goes to prove the old saying that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

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Hope You're Hungry

ON HIS FIRST day on the job, a vacuum cleaner salesman was assigned to a backwoods area.

He knocked on a door and was met by a farmer's wife, who asked him what he wanted. The salesman barged past her and said, "I'm selling vacuum cleaners and I want to show you something."

He threw a bucket of dirt on the floor and said, "If my cleaner doesn't pick up all of this, I'll eat the dirt."

The farmer's wife said, "You better start now, 'cause we ain't got no electricity."

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Scarecrow Tree Face

TRANSFORM a backyard tree into a unique "farm personality" with this polyresin Scarecrow face. The four pieces can be hung on nails (not included) in minutes. Scarecrow's hat is 7"W x 5"L, eyes are 1-1/4"W x 1-1/2"L each and mouth is 5-3/8"W x 4-1/4"L. Order yours!

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