Dear $$firstname$$,

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CHARLEY WAS PROUDLY taking a visiting Texan on a tour of his Arkansas farm when an animal crossed the road in front of them.

“What was that?” asked the Texan.

“A deer,” replied Charley.

“Well, in my state, the deer are much bigger than that,” said the Texan. “And what’s that?”

“A groundhog,” said Charley.

“I didn’t even recognize that,” said the Texan. “Ours are bigger than that.”

A little while later, a turtle crossed the road.

“What‘s that?” the Texan asked.

Charley replied, “A tick.”

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Be More Specific

THE TOMBSTONE READ:

Remember me as you pass by,

As you are now, so once was I.

As I am now, someday you’ll be,

So prepare to follow me.

Someone added:

To follow you is not my intent,

Because I don’t know which way you went.

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Picture the Answer

WHO ORDERED pigs in a blanket?

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Chaos and Confusion

A DOCTOR, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest.

The doctor said, “On the sixth day, God took one of Adam’s ribs and created Eve. So that makes Him a surgeon first.”

“Please,” replied the engineer. “Before that, God created the world from chaos and confusion. So He was first an engineer.”

“Interesting,” the lawyer retorted. “But who do you think created the chaos and confusion?”

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Get What You Pay For

ON THEIR WAY home from Sunday worship, Willy and Wanda were complaining about their church—the pews were too hard, the sermon too long and the organ too loud.

In the backseat, little Wally quietly listened to all his parents’ complaints. Finally, he piped up, “What do you expect for a dollar?”

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You May Be in a Country Church if...

• • PRAYERS ABOUT the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
• • The pastor is wearing boots.
• • High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
• • There is at least one pledge of two calves in the annual stewardship drive.
• • The minister never has to buy any meat or vegetables.
• • When it rains, everyone is smiling.
• • The church directory doesn’t need last names.
• • Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
• • Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.

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That’s a Bright Idea

A COUPLE OF country bumpkins, Harry and Larry, ran away from home. Since it was dark, they carried a flashlight to find their way.

Eventually, they came to a large body of water. “I know how we can get across,” Harry said. “I’ll flash the light on the water, and you can walk across on the beam.”

Larry shook his head. “I may not be very smart, but I know that’s not going to work. As soon as I get halfway across, you’ll turn off the light.”

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English Major

EMPLOYER: Sure I can give you a job. Start by sweeping out the store.

Employee-to-be: But, sir...I’m a college graduate.

Employer: That’s OK. I’ll show you how.

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Just a Wannabe

I WANTED to be a...

• ...waiter but couldn’t carry out an order.
• ...poet but had no rhyme or reason.
• ...boy Scout but wasn’t prepared.
• ...skyscraper builder but don’t like tall stories.
• ...puppeteer but couldn’t pull the right strings.
• ...plumber but just had a pipe dream.
• ...garbage collector but don’t like being down in the dumps.
• ...cab driver but couldn’t hack it.

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Tenuous Tenant

DELMAR: We like this house a lot, but the landlord asks too much for the rent.

Elmer: Really?

Delmar: Yep. Last month he asked four times.

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Don’t Give Up!

YOU never need a reason to indulge in a little chocolate...and this shirt explains why you shouldn’t give it up, either.

Order I’m no quitter T-Shirt from Country Store On-line.

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