Dear $$firstname$$,

A Gaggle of Groaners

WE’VE SAVED UP a bunch of gags that are too short to share one at a time. Here they are together in a bunch…read ’em and weep!

• Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken.

• What is the difference between a New York baseball fan and a dentist? One roots for the Yanks and the other yanks for the roots.

• Why did it take Moses 40 years to reach the Promised Land? Like most men, he didn’t take time to stop and ask for directions.

• What happened to the mosquito flying near the cows in the barn? It flew in one ear and out the udder.

• Why would a dog eat garlic every day? Because he wants his bark to be worse than his bite.

• What do Mr. and Mrs. Buffalo say to their boy as he leaves for school each day? Bi-son.

• Why does the church organist have to be careful after volunteering to fill in for the janitor who went on vacation? Because now she has to mind her keys and pews.

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Temperature’s Rising

TWO good ol’ boys were discussing the summer heat. “It’s been so hot at my place that I’ve had to give my chickens shaved ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs,” said one. “That’s nothin’,” said the other. “This morning I saw my dog chasing a jackrabbit up the road, and they were both walking.”

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Tater Talk

A FRIEND who owns a store in town decided to try his hand at gardening. He planted potatoes and spent a lot of time nurturing his plants. Come harvest, he had an excellent crop—in fact, some of the potatoes were so large he decided to display them in his storefront window.

A passerby saw the huge vegetables and came inside to ask if he could buy a bushel of those potatoes. “I can’t sell you a bushel,” the owner replied. “I’m not cutting one of my potatoes in half for anyone!”

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Cabbage Patch Kid?

YOUR PARENTS may have told you that babies come from the cabbage patch, but that’s not always the case.

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Listen to the Doctor

HANK SMITH became so ill his wife, Lizzie, sent for the doctor. When Hank heard the doc enter the house, he closed his eyes and didn’t move. Doc looked him over and declared in a loud voice, “Why, this man’s dead!”

At that, Hank’s eyes flew open and he yelled at the doctor, “I ain’t dead!” Lizzie hushed him up. “Now, Hank, you be quiet,” she scolded. “Doc knows a lot more about these things than you do.”

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Test of Strength

BILL THE BRAGGER was at the county fair telling anyone who would listen about his athletic prowess. No one would challenge him until a stranger piped up. “I’ll wager you $50 I can push something in a wheelbarrow for 20 yards and you won’t be able to wheel it back,” the stranger said.

Bill looked at the skinny fellow and decided it wasn’t much of a challenge. ‘I’ll take you on,” he replied. They borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the starting point. “Let’s see what you’re made of,” Bill taunted. “Okay,” the stranger answered matter-of-factly. “Get in.”

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Not Bottle Babies

THREE MEN were in the hospital waiting room. The nurse came in and said, “Mr. Brown, you are now the father of twins.” Mr. Brown grinned. “How about that—I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

A little later, the nurse came back and said, “Mr. Green, you are the father of triplets.” Mr. Green beamed. “Well wouldn’t you just know it,” he said. “I work for 3M.”

When the nurse came back again, the third guy turned white and passed out. Mr. Brown and Mr. Green carried him to a sofa, and the nurse revived him. “Are you all right?” she asked. “I’m not sure,” the fellow admitted. “You see, I work at the 7-Up bottling plant!”

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Something Smells Fishy

DID YOU HEAR about the man who fashions purses out of dried fish skins? He’s the only guy we know of who’s in the business of carp to carp walleting.

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Client Confusion

A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the following discussion took place.

Attorney: “Well, do you have grounds?”

Farmer: “Yes, I have about 140 acres.”

Attorney: “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”

Farmer: “No, but I have a John Deere.”

Attorney: “You still don’t understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?”

Farmer: “Yes, sir—that’s where I keep my John Deere.”

Attorney: “No, no! I mean do you have a suit?”

Farmer: “Yes, sir—I wear it to church every Sunday.”

Attorney: “Well, does your wife beat you up?”

Farmer: “No, sir. We both get up at 4:30.”

Attorney: “All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you want a divorce?”

Farmer: “Well, I never have been able to have a meaningful conversation with that woman.”

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Birds Love this Cat!

LET our fun, “swingin’” Cat Decorative Birdhouse liven up your garden! This hand-painted poly resin birdhouse comes pre-attached to a continuous twine “swing rope” for hanging. It’s 7 inches long by 5 inches wide by 8-1/2 inches high with a 1-1/4 diameter hole. Hangs 33” with twine.

Order Cat Decorative Birdhouse from Country Store On-line.

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