Dear $$firstname$$,

It's in the Good Book

THE PARENTS of a college freshman gave him a Bible when he left for school, assuring him it would be a comfort while he was away from home. Soon after he arrived at school, the student began sending letters asking his parents for money. They responded by telling him to read his Bible--citing chapter and verse.

When the student came home for semester break, his parents told him how disappointed they were that he hadn't been reading the Scriptures. "How did you know?" he asked. "Because we used $20 bills as bookmarks for the passages we wanted you to read."

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What did the trash collector say when he found a watch in the dumpster?

Time's a Wastin!

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Don't Look Now

WHAT do you have in your eye if you have a bee in your hand? Answer: Beauty. After all, beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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Amen to That!

JOHNNY invited his little friend Billy over for supper one night. Billy asked, "Does your mom make you say a prayer before you eat?" "Nah," said Johnny. "We don't have to--Mom's a good cook."

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Snow Foolin'

IN some communities, budget cuts have resulted in scaled-down snowplowing operations this winter.

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Good Question

THE second-graders were learning about weather, and to add interest, the teacher invited the local television weatherman to speak to the class. The weatherman explained weather patterns, cloud formations, cold fronts, warm fronts and how hurricanes were given such names as Agnes, Hugo, David and Donna. When he finished, he asked the students if they had any questions. One boy raised his hand and asked, "How can you tell boy hurricanes from girl hurricanes?"

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Cool Under Fire

THERE WAS a brush fire in a rural community, and the local fire department couldn't get it under control. They called in the firemen from a neighboring community, but the fire still burned out of control. As a last resort, they called the fire department from Podunk Center, a little village that had only one rickety fire truck.

The firemen from Podunk Center raced to the scene in their beat-up old fire truck and drove right into the middle of the fire. With flames all around them, the firemen madly started spraying water...and within minutes, they had the fire extinguished! After the smoke cleared, the other firefighters rushed in to congratulate the Podunk crew. "Glad to help out," said the Podunk Fire Chief. With a grin he added, "I guess it's time to get the brakes fixed on the old fire truck."

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She's in for a Jolt

A REMOTE COTTAGE way up in the hills was finally wired for phone and electricity. Several days later, the spinster who lived there called the power company. "My dog pulled the lamp plug from that outlet thingy in the wall," she reported. "Now yer darned electricity is leakin' all over the floor!"

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Depends How You Look at It

A 98-YEAR-OLD MAN was ecstatic when he broke a mirror. "Why are you so happy?" asked a friend. "Don't you know breaking a mirror means 7 years of bad luck?"

"I know," answered the old man. "Isn't that wonderful?"

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De-Ranged Cowboy

COWBOY JOE was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

Joe continued, "I walked up the trail to the gate..."

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

Joe went on, "Inside the door, I was met by this dude..."

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well," Joe said, "the usher led me down the chute..."

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then he told me to sit down in a stall," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yup," recalled Joe.

"That's what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

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Soooey!

WHY do farmers call their hogs at night? Answer: Because that's the time the rates are lower.

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CowVac Helps Moo-ve Dirt!

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To order the CowVac from Country Store On-line, click here.

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