Dear $$firstname$$,

Now That's Scary

TWO BOYS were bragging about their grandfathers' talents. "My grandpa made a scarecrow so scary that it frightened every crow off the farm," boasted one boy. "That's nothing," said the other. "My grandpa made a scarecrow so fierce-looking that the crows brought back the corn they stole last year!"

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Pocket Change

A PREACHER started his sermon by announcing that the congregation would soon start building a brand-new church. "We already have the money we need," he continued. "It's in your pockets."

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Counting His Blessings

ALBERT was talking with a pessimistic acquaintance who asked him how old he was. "I'm 76," Albert replied.

"What have you got to look forward to at that age?" his friend asked. "Seventy-seven," said Albert.

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Honest Mistake

A HOBO walked up the lane to a prosperous-looking farm and asked the farmer if he could do some chores in return for supper and a place to stay for the night. "Sure," said the farmer. "Paint the porch in back of the house."

A couple hours later, the hobo returned. "Done already?" asked the farmer. "Yup," replied the hobo. "And by the way, that's not a Porsche—it's a Cadillac."

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Wood You Believe?

WITH rising oil prices, you may need an extra truckload of firewood to keep warm this winter...and here comes one now. To see what we mean, click here.

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Shooting the Breeze

TRAVELING through western Nebraska, a tourist saw a man sitting by the ruins of a house that had been blown away. "Was this your house?" the tourist asked sympathetically. "Yup," said the Cornhusker.

"Was your family blown away?" asked the tourist. "Yup--my wife and four kids," the Nebraskan replied.

"Why aren't you out searching for them?" the tourist asked incredulously.

"Well, stranger, I've lived in these parts for quite a spell. The wind's due to change this afternoon, so I figure I might as well wait here until it blows 'em back to me."

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Miracle Cure

A FELLOW who broke his arm asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll be able to play the fiddle after the cast comes off?" The doctor nodded. "Why, of course," he assured.

"Great!" exclaimed the patient. "I sure couldn't play before."

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How Dry Was It?

KANSAS is known for its hot, dry summers. So when a stranger walked into the local cafe, he naturally started talking about the weather. "Is it always this dry around here?" he asked a rancher sitting next to him at the counter.

"Naw," drawled the rancher. "My daddy told me that once back in Biblical times, when it rained 40 days and 40 nights, we got a quarter of an inch."

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Heavenly Humor

A POOR country parson finally scraped together enough money to visit the Holy Land. He especially wanted to see where Jesus walked on the water and sought out a boatman to take him to the place. "How much?" asked the money-conscious pastor. "Two hundred dollars," was the reply.

The pastor shook his head. "No wonder He walked!"

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Time for a Change

A MAN went to the courthouse to get his name changed. "What is your current name?" inquired the courthouse clerk. "Joe Stinks," answered the man.

"With a name like that, I don't blame you," the clerk replied. "What would you like to change it to?"

"Bill Stinks," the man said.

The clerk raised his eyebrows. "Why would you want to change your name from Joe Stinks to Bill Stinks?" he asked.

"Because every time I go into the cafe, folks say, 'Whaddayaknow, Joe?'"

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Glowing Greeters Welcome Guests

YOUR holiday visitors will grin when they're greeted by a smiling snowman or a charming penguin standing on your front porch or along your walkway. Made of highly detailed, colorful poly resin, each holds a solar-powered lamp that lights the way all night. Snowman stands 19 inches high and measures 12-3/4 inches long by 12 inches wide. Penguin stands 14-1/2 inches high and is 21-1/4 inches long by 11-3/8 inches wide.

To order the Snowman with Solar Lamp from Country Store On-line, click here.

To order the Penguin with Solar Lamp from Country Store On-line, click here.

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