Laugh Letter - July, 2003 Dear $$firstname$$, Greetings from the Laugh Letter staff! Even if you've never skipped Sunday services for a game of golf, you'll appreciate the Golf Guffaws and Sunday Funnies below. But you needn't be a duffer to dig the Bug Bombs and Animal antics afterward! ********** Golf Guffaws Practice Makes Perfect A GOLFER on the first tee blasted a mighty drive that was picked up by the wind and floated 465 yards down the fairway. The ball plopped onto the green, rolled up to the pin and dropped into the cup. "Not bad," his partner commented. "Now I'll take my practice shot, and then we can get started." That's Why He's a Pro "TIGER WOODS played here last year," the caddie told the golfer as they approached a lagoon shot. "What would he use on this hole?" the golfer asked. The caddy scowled. "Playing your game, sir, probably an old ball." It Takes One to Know One "I'M NEVER playing golf with George again," a man told his wife. "Why, that cheater found his lost ball one foot away from the green!" "Well, that could happen," his wife said. Her husband replied, "Not when I had his ball in my pocket!" --Joyce H., Miller, South Dakota It's a Logical Choice AN OLD GENT was taking a walk on a golf course when he spotted a frog. The frog said, "If you pick me up and rub my back, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman." The man picked the frog up and put it in his pocket. The frog called, "Didn't you hear? I said if you rub my back, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman!" "I heard you," the man said. "But at my age, I'd just as soon have a talking frog." --Ray S., Schofield, Wisconsin ********** Sunday Funnies The Best is Yet to Come? THE PARISH was giving a farewell party for its priest. One dear old lady wept continuously as she shook his hand. "I'm so sorry to see you go," she sobbed. "Now, now, don't cry," the priest consoled her. "The bishop will send you a much better pastor in my place." At that, the woman wailed louder, "That's what they told me the last time!" Parishioner, Heal Thyself A GRAY-HAIRED WOMAN, a longtime member of her church, paused to thank the minister after Sunday services. "That was a wonderful sermon, just wonderful," she told him. "Everything you said applies to someone I know." Short and Sweet COMEDIAN George Burns once described a good sermon this way: "A good sermon should have a good beginning, a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible." That's a Plateful A BANKER'S SON bragged to his pals, "My father makes $85 an hour just sitting at a desk." "So?" answered the lawyer's son. "My father talks for an hour and makes $150." "That's nothing," said the minister's child. "My father preaches for an hour, and it takes four men to collect the money." --Susan F., Waynesboro, Georgia Signs of the Times ACROSS the country, pastors, priests and ministers turn heads with witty sayings on roadside church signs. For example, in Belgrade, Montana, minister Mike S. recently asked "Where will you be sitting for eternity--smoking or non-smoking?" For more church sign chuckles, visit http://www.reimanpub.com/rd.asp?id=182 ********** Bug Bombs Crash Landing TWO FLIES were sunning themselves on a lawn mower handle when a boy passed by eating a baloney sandwich. Noting that he'd dropped a bit of meat, the flies flew down and gorged themselves. When they'd finished, the flies returned to the mower handle, quite overstuffed. Then they noticed a second bit of meat on the ground that they'd missed. They took off after it, but they were too full to control their wings, and both flies dropped to the ground and were killed. The moral to this story: Never fly off the handle when you're full of baloney. Didn't Cotton to Work TWO BOLL WEEVILS went out into the world to make their fortunes. The first boll weevil worked hard and became successful and rich. The second was lazy and not a bit industrious. That made him the lesser of two weevils. --M. H., Crawfordsville, Indiana ********** Animal Antics Waddle He Ask Next? A DUCK walked into a feed store and asked for duck feed. The owner said he didn't have any. The next day, the duck came back again and asked for duck feed. The owner said he still didn't have any and told the duck to stop pestering him. The third day, the duck came in again and asked for duck feed. The owner said he didn't have it, and that if the duck came in again, he'd nail his webbed feet to the floor. The next day, the duck came back and asked the owner if he had any nails. "No," the owner said. "Okay," replied the duck, "Do you have any duck feed?" --Norma F., Evanston, Indiana Drip-Dry Doggie LOOKS LIKE "Sam" has made some mischief...to see what this cool canine has been up to, visit http://www.reimanpub.com/rd.asp?id=183 ********** Gertie Gosling Has 12 Hats FANS of our popular lawn Goose, "Lucy", will love her new baby, "Gertie Gosling". At 7-1/2 inches tall, she looks absolutely endearing standing next to her mother, or by herself. Comes with 12 different fun hats, one for every month, including a Santa hat, Easter bonnet and earmuffs. Brightly colored and detailed. Made of durable poly resin. Imported. To order Gertie Gosling from Country Store On-line, visit http://www.countrystorecatalog.com/RD.asp?ID=550 ********** Last Laugh A JURY consists of 12 people who decide which side has the better lawyer. ********** THIS NEWSLETTER is from the editors of some of your favorite magazines, including... Country is your "window" to the most spectacular scenery and friendliest folks anywhere! If you live in the country...or wish you did, then this is your magazine. To subscribe or give a gift on-line, visit http://www.reimanpub.com/rd.asp?id=187 Country Woman puts you "in touch" with other women who love country living as much as you do. Enjoy recipes, decorating, crafting and more! To subscribe or give a gift on-line, visit http://www.reimanpub.com/rd.asp?id=189 ********** Country Store Super Summer Sale! 10% OFF and FREE Shipping and Handling on Every Order! Use Suite Number 6046 When Ordering. Visit: http://www.countrystorecatalog.com/RD.asp?ID=549 ********** World Wide Country Tours Travel with Fellow Laughletter Readers! Cruises... Fall Foliage Tours... Holiday Tours... Request your FREE Catalog NOW! Visit http://www.countrytours.com/rd.asp?id=216 ********** HAVE A FRIEND who enjoys good clean fun? Feel free to forward this newsletter! This email was sent to: $$email$$ If this newsletter was forwarded to you, you can sign up for yourself. Visit: http://www.reimanpub.com/rd.asp?id=184 ********** TO CANCEL your newsletter at any time, visit: http://www.reimanpub.com/rd.asp?id=185 TO UPDATE your e-mail address and other information, please visit http://www.reimanpub.com/rd.asp?id=186 ********** Copyright 2003 Reiman Media Group, Inc. All rights reserved.