Dear $$firstname$$,

Greetings from the Laugh Letter staff! Get ready to grin--this time we've come up with some government groaners, a few farm funnies, more cute kid quips and other items guaranteed to brighten your day. (Don't forget to share these with family and friends to brighten their day, too!)

So Many to Choose

THE PARENTS of a 5-year-old boy were curious about what career he'd pursue--law, banking, medicine or the clergy. A friend told them to put him alone in a room with a cigar, a dollar bill, a lollipop and a Bible. The item the child chose would indicate his calling.

When the boy came out of the room, he was sucking the lollipop, sniffing the cigar, tucking the dollar bill into his pocket and holding the Bible under one arm.

"Oh, no!" gasped the family friend. "He's going to be a politician!"
--Lola H., Cincinnati, Iowa

Hot and Dry

WHILE visiting Washington, I saw a hand-lettered sign in the bathroom of a congressional office building, next to the hot-air hand dryer: "To speak to your congressman, push button."
--Tom T., Madison, Wisconsin

All in Favor...

TWO MEMBERS of the Town Council got into a shouting match during a meeting.

"You are the biggest idiot in the world," the first man yelled.

"And you're the most bigoted jerk in the world," the second retorted.

The mayor, who was presiding over the meeting, banged his gavel. "Quiet, gentlemen!" he ordered. "It seems that in your excitement, you've forgotten that I am in the room."

The Tall and Short of It

THREE FARMERS were having coffee in the local cafe and reminiscing about seasons past.

"I never saw a worse summer than the one we had back in '49," said the first farmer. "My corn never grew taller than 1 inch!"

The second farmer nodded. "An inch? You had a good crop compared to mine--that summer, the sparrows had to kneel to reach my corn!"

"I've got you both beat," insisted the third farmer. "My corn was so short that summer, I had to lather the field to cut it!"

He Loves His Work

A CITY MAN visiting a dairy farmer asked, "Do you really like milking all these cows?"

"I don't mind it," the farmer replied. "Sometimes I even get a kick out of it."

Daddy's Trick

LITTLE BILLY opened the door wide when his grandmother arrived. "Gee, Grandma, I'm glad to see you," he said. "Now Daddy can do his trick."

"What trick is that?" Grandma asked.

"Well," Billy said, "Daddy told Mommy that if you came to visit again, he'd start climbing the walls."

Lousy Mileage

A MAN ASKED a friend about the mileage he was getting with his new car.

He thought about it and answered, "As near as I can figure, I get only about 5 miles to the gallon. My teenager gets the other 20."

Horse Trading

GEORGE WAS BORED with his pet turtle and decided to sell it. He put the turtle dish on the front porch with a sign that read: "Turtle for sale, $1."

"George," said his mother, "you've got to learn to think big. Ask for more money, and if you don't get it, then lower your price."

So George added three zeroes to the price and settled down to read a comic book.

A while later, George's mother noticed that the turtle dish was nowhere in sight. "Where's the turtle?" she asked.

"I sold it," George said.

His mother's eyes went wide. "You mean you really got $1,000 for it?"

"Kinda," George said, reaching into his pockets. "I traded it for these two $500 frogs."

Too Beat to Eat?

CAN YOU IMAGINE being so bushed that you'd fall asleep at the dinner table? Talk about being out at the plate!

For more cute photos of country kids hungrier for sleep than they are for food, click here.

Guests Got Bugged

"HERE in Minnesota, it's usually the first or second week of May before it's safe to plant a garden," reports Jennie P. from Winona.

"One year, my husband and I--always looking for something new in the seed catalogs--ordered a packet of praying mantis eggs, figuring those insects would eat aphids and other pests. Since it was still too cold to plant, we put the packet in the refrigerator.

"Finally, when it warmed up enough to place the eggs in the garden, I took them out of the refrigerator. On my way outdoors, though, I got distracted. I put the packet on an open shelf in the kitchen and forgot about it.

"A couple days later, we had guests for supper. We were seated around the kitchen table when one of them suddenly screamed.

To my embarrassment, I immediately saw why--down the wall from the shelf where I'd left the egg packet came hundreds of little brown insects!

"That nice warm shelf had been just what the eggs needed to hatch. My husband quickly snatched up an empty oatmeal box and scooped up all the critters he could.

"When we eventually sat back down to our meal, we all had a good laugh. Today, my embarrassing moment still is mentioned and laughed about."

Winkie Got Her Goats

"WE had a small herd of goats on our ranch near Corvallis, Montana," writes Natalie R.

"The herd leader was 'Bowser', the biggest and oldest of the bunch. The others were 'Spot', 'Starsky' and 'Rosie'.

"Rosie was the only female. She was often right in the middle of the boys' rough-and-tumble games, but at other times, she was so dainty that we almost wanted to dress her up in pink ribbons and white ruffles.

"Then there was 'Winkie'. Technically, Winkie wasn't a goat...in fact, we remember when she was a goose.

"Winkie had lived with her mate, 'Rocky', on a small island in the middle of a pond. They never paid much attention to the goats that played in the pasture surrounding the pond.

"But tragedy struck, and we lost Rocky. At first, Winkie stayed alone on the island, pacing back and forth, honking loudly at the empty sky.

"One morning, Winkie apparently decided to put her grieving behind her. Seeing the goats playing 'King of the Hill', she slipped off the island, glided majestically across the pond, waddled purposefully into the pasture and flapped her way to the top of the hill.

"Winkie never returned to the island. Instead, she moved in with the goats. The five of them lived happily together--eating, sleeping, grazing and playing animal games."

To view a photo, click here.

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