Dear $$firstname$$,

Greetings from the Laugh Letter staff! We've got more pun-filled...er, fun-filled stories for you this time. Read on for some rib-ticklers about doctors, a few kid quips, a red-faced recollection and more. (If you can't find something to laugh about below, maybe you need a doctor!)

Sorry, Wrong Number

YOUNG DR. MALONEY hung out his shingle for the first time on Monday morning, but not a single patient showed up.

A week later, a man finally came to the office. In an attempt to impress him, Dr. Maloney picked up the phone and barked, "I have so many patients waiting, I don't think I'll be able to get to the hospital to perform brain surgery before 4."

The doctor hung up and turned to the visitor with a smile. "And what seems to be paining you, my good man?" he asked.

"Nothing is paining me," the bewildered man said. "I just came to hook up your phone."

I'm Only Here to Help

THREE PEOPLE were waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. The first told St. Peter he'd been a doctor for over 50 years and couldn't even count all the people he'd helped. St. Peter invited him in.

The next in line was a woman who'd been a nurse for 40 years. St. Peter told her she'd earned a place in heaven, too.

Then St. Peter turned to the third person and asked what he'd done with his life. "I worked for Medicare for years," the man said. "Then I was the head of one of the biggest HMOs in the country. You can imagine how many people I've helped."

"Well, come on in," St. Peter sighed. "But you can only stay 2 days." --Mary C., Cleveland, Tennessee

Alarming Advice

"DOCTOR, every night I dream I'm being chased by a creature from outer space," the worried patient said. "Just when it's about to catch me, the alarm goes off, I wake up and I'm safe. What's your advice?"

"Don't forget to set the alarm."

What's Got Her Goat?

HER FACE shows she's had it...but what's got Heidi M. in a funk? To find out,
click here.

It'll Take Time

A LITTLE BOY was lying in front of the fireplace, scribbling on a piece of paper. Suddenly he rushed into the kitchen with the paper and said, "Look, Mom, I've learned to write!"

"Well, what does it say?" his mother asked.

"I don't know," he said. "I haven't learned to read yet." --Charles S., Jackson, Missouri

That Explains It

RACHEL liked to help her mother with housework, so she was happy to set the table when Daddy's boss came for dinner. But when everyone sat down to eat, the boss didn't have any silverware.

"Rachel," Mother said, "why doesn't Mr. Smith have any silverware?"

"I didn't think he'd need any," Rachel explained. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse." --Donald E., Lafayette, Indiana

Don't Give Up Yet

DURING a game of checkers, my little grandson looked up and said, "I'm gonna get beat."

I told him, "It's not over until the fat lady sings."

Eric replied, "Well, Grandma, I can hear her tuning her guitar." --E. B., Winchester, Indiana

Bean Goof Was a Gas

"GROWING UP in the Midwest, I never learned to cook dried beans," admits Linn H. of Big Spring, Texas. "When I moved to the Southwest, I soon discovered that most meals are accompanied by some sort of beans.

"My new husband, a Texan, loves beans. As a surprise, I decided to make pinto beans to go with the ribs for dinner. I asked in-laws and friends for seasoning advice, but I neglected to find out how many beans to cook.

I poured a generous amount of dried beans in a pot, added pork, onions and spices and covered it with water. Imagine my surprise when I returned later and found the beans had swelled to fill the pot!

"I pulled out another pot, scooped in half of the beans from the first pot, filled the second pot with water and added more water to the first pot.

"Later, I was horrified to discover I needed two more pots!

"By dinnertime, the beans were cooked and ready to eat. I was relieved when my husband said they were delicious.

"Embarrassed and laughing, I led him into the kitchen. When he saw all the extra pots of beans, he gasped--then started to laugh, too.

"Fortunately, cooked beans freeze very well."

Friends to the End

CONTRARY to popular belief, cats and dogs can get along just fine. And if this photo doesn't make you "paws", maybe nothing will.

It's obvious that these critters haven't heard the phrase "Fighting like cats and dogs." Sort of makes you wonder what you're likely to see next...perhaps cats serving cheese to mice?

For more feline/canine couples, click here.

The Buzz on Butch

"WHEN I was a boy, my dog, 'Butch', was intrigued by bees," notes Leland J. of St. Louis, Missouri.

"Butch often sat in front of a hollyhock patch in our yard, watching the bees buzz in and out of the flowers. One day, his curiosity got the best of him and he stuck his nose in a flower.

"The bee didn't appreciate this and promptly stung Butch on the nose. He howled and whimpered, then slunk away to nurse his swollen nose.

"Several days later, Butch began exacting his revenge. First, he parked himself in front of the hollyhocks, just as before.

"But this time, when a bee went inside a flower, Butch promptly chomped off the entire bloom, bee and all, and gleefully swallowed it!

"He never did get stung again, though he consumed many hollyhocks with unsuspecting bees inside. I know it's hard to bee-lieve, but it's true!"

Last Laugh

NOTHING in nature is more beautiful than a single snowflake. Unfortunately, they seldom come that way.

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